this is the end

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 08:00:31 GMT

Fuck. I know better.

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 21:52:04 GMT

I feel so in place right now. All my life I feel like I've been talking with a city state of mind. It comes to me as an open, local, qualitative not quantitative, vast knowing mindset dissatisfied with the towns I know. I talked about seattle and vancouver and vibrations with hip hop artists individualizing CD sleeves expanding and connecting minds. I was recited a poem with no introduction at a coffee shop and asked to attend a poetry club. I can thrive on will and time. I love it so and I am home.

I'm Only Sleeping - The Beatles

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 19:47:49 GMT

if you should arise one morning
to find yourself with one
who shares time and place that's not for sale
and whom you'd trust to share a son
...or daughter

If a bind is stressed from the force of long distance
then invest time in dreams, not defined by resistance
it is not for the now, but the future of your existence

I don't know who I'm writing for any longer

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 09:29:53 GMT

I can't resent my choice to come to Alaska because for one, I absolutely love everything about the area and in addition the things I miss only developed after I had made a choice to come here. That choice was slightly predetermined due to the cost of school here (< $10k per year) with comparison to a good quality program. I must say that I had never expected to fall madly in love over the summer, or be a part of a developing well liked band. My transient nature seems to be slowing and I feel like I'm changing very rapid pace. I have loved the time in that period of transition so I feel like those changes are acceptable. I feel like I've found someone I would settle down and last with. I don't mean to make early plans becuase times are pretty trying at this point but if this works out I have faith in the future after that. I could have Constance Faith and Trefley. For those of you who haven't been here, it's beautiful. For those of you that took the time to read, thank you. For those that will not read this, I understand. Good night.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 02:43:20 GMT

(the use of the word love in this is always deliberate and never in excess. I love my friends as I love my lovers as I love myself and there is nothing closer)

This is possably and probably my last entry before I leave. One might assume that I take my time and write a very long and meaningful reflection on importnat things. They might be dissappointed. 4,500 miles. I wish it wasn't sad. I wish we didn't have a perpetuity for companionship and love. Maybe if I knew what I wanted, maybe if anyone knew what they wanted we might not be placed in such positions. It's so hard to forget the warmth of someone sleeping next to you. No regrets on placement, but I will miss those I who I love and have loved and I will return as so much more! For that which was, is, and will be, I love you all.

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 06:18:08 GMT

what can you do to prepare for an experience like this? A week in North Turro to open my eyes then a week in chicago to apply my thoughts and to finish, a physical challenge with a side dish of freedom. I just hope I'm ready. I hope I'm open. Last summer was an awakening for me there. with 3 rolls of film, 3 books, 1 sketchbook (with pencils and pens), many sheets of music paper, and 1 guitar I hope to find that same inspiration and catch a glipse of it. I don't want to sleep there. I want to watch the sunrise over the dunes then read all day and I want to watch the pink press of the sun over the horison pale to the soft glow of boston across the bay then sit in the dark and write songs with simple chord progressions and deep poor vocals. Oh, how I want this and that! I will see if this flourishing hope for experience does not leave me dissatisfied at the end.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 05:52:09 GMT

Don't you just love watching big thunderstorms flash in the sky? I could do that for a living.

two songs

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 00:39:34 GMT

two short songs

morningwood
some speak of morningwood with a wimper in tone
and long for the end of the day

but my confidence shook, when the viagra I took,
would not make it go away

morningwood, my friend at times
you're always on my mind.

when I lie
when
i do die i'd like my
body
buried
with soft soil on my face
lush growth marking my place

when I lie
how will I
know my
wishes are truth?

eye vee

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 04:27:53 GMT

so... my pseudo-illness on wednesday turned into a fever of 104 today so I went to the hospital and got an IV and some antibiotics. I'm still not comfortable being wired into a machine via a big thick needle. They say I probably have a tick disease. Bastards.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:04:28 GMT

Find your own pose!

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 13:52:18 GMT

sick
work is hard when I have a headache
no songs written unfortunately
maybe I'll try today

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 20:29:42 GMT

saturday through tuesday no work means 2 songs per day
I'll post lyrics here when I'm done.
This is my motvation to actually finish it.
Wish me luck.

rabbit

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:39:20 GMT

jake, tilley, and I took great pride wednesday in learning how to skin a rabbit. The rabbit was shot and killed humanely adn the meat is being eaten and parts used. I'm the recipient of the fur and I plan on tannign it. I'm looking forward to doing it and I think i might know what to use to do it that's easy. I graduate tuesday. Family is little by little showing up. Hectic time.

One hell of a night...

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 04:57:48 GMT

we had tonight. couple beers, we played some rockin tunes, we were very well recieved (infact we were asked to join a record label that we all admire more than anything) and we had an awesome time. Even kendra, who got a drunked bloody nose and bled all over the basement. What a night tonight was. More stories that I'm not going to disclose here. good night.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 15:04:19 GMT

There were days when I thought I was looking at messages and assuming they were for me, but when you assume an ass is what u make out of me. But I realised that and that's nobodys fault but mine. I used to look at the journal to see if she cared still, but again, bad logic since a paragraph doesn't fill the thoughts that go on. Bottom line is, she loves him and rightly so. She doesn't love me and rightly so. I tried to hope or wish or think that maybe, but I leanred my lesson 6 months too late. Best wishes for things to be (her love), best wishes for things that are (our friendship), and as we exit the summer let things take their course. Thank her for everything, I'm sorry for everything else, lets not lose what we found so satisfying (friends outside the puddle). Love her always.

14 photos

Tue, 30 May 2006 01:21:10 GMT

I have 14 of my favorite pictures up on photobucket username: nomanagers sub-album: she was a ho photo sho
Thank you a ton kaitlyn!

finally have photos

Tue, 16 May 2006 00:11:47 GMT

I'll have the full shoot on CD in a bit, but here are some good ones.

photo shoot

Sat, 06 May 2006 19:45:30 GMT

what a great experience. Great comfort, geat photos, great conversation. I'm glad I did that because I get along with kaitlyn very well and I'm glad to help in something that not many people would do. She's going to put the pictures on a CD for me so I'll have to post some (to your delight or chagrin) when I get them.

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 15:55:44 GMT

ok i have a photo final and i need to photograph nudes.... i need it today or tomorrow... and i have to take the photos outside... if ANYBODY is bold enough to get naked outside and have me take pictures of you.. i would love you forever.. oh yeah and have to live near me.. thanks!
------- (name ommitted for editorial reasons)

messege me for details

how happy does that make me?

writ of duschbaggery

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 01:04:09 GMT

I am the author of braille fables
for no-handed thieves with islamic uppers
The tongue of the horse for the rambling gambler
The newspaper shelved with no big news headline
The one talent artist with all subjects painted
The movie-star lips with nothing to utter
The well traveled vagrant who is tipped out of pity
The dumb soldier warning with no pen and paper
The scissors that cut one side from the other
The server with files and no screen to read them
The father of all of the long extinct cuckoos

But, my children may hear me and I'm satisfied.

to whom it may concern

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 21:57:37 GMT

got wait listed for University of Washington so i've pretty much decided on University of Alaska Anchorage. Things are well. It's a weekend.

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 17:19:56 GMT

AND WHAT
for false actions true
so true, so very true
and so justly false

and what for the fields
and the forest so far
which make my decisions
before I ever know them

I need to pick up an activity to distract me too. I need to badly. Not until friday night did I realize so much. It's sinking in.

morning after St. Patricks
I was walking pocketing an extra 20 silver pieces
it was the cost of my conscience
the price of my partner
bargain for the betrayal
of an innocent companion

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 02:59:57 GMT

This is about perception but only if you perceive it that way.
At the end of our labors we find what we look for.
Mussolini found it.
As indentured servants we have a responsibility to accept our reality,
but I am a pirate of the age.
We plunder with force and we bury our treasure!
Who needs booty when you're a pirate?

Following suit with evy

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 23:45:24 GMT

prints from home and afar

2 more on my photobucket: nomanagers

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 04:27:28 GMT

Spencer Douthit: For what she cried,
no one ever knew
no one even knew she ever did

No spoiled spills of, mothers milk
No influence, impression, or youngin' regression
She can't explain and you can't understand
Why she's in her car crying.
Spencer Douthit: I never write stuff like that
Spencer Douthit: (on those subjects)
Spencer Douthit: but I really enjoyed writing that
7:55 PM
MollytheGreat714: Well that makes it even mre infuriating that youre good at it then
Spencer Douthit: but it's alright
Spencer Douthit: since it's based on me
MollytheGreat714: the poem or the being good at everything part?
Spencer Douthit: haha
Spencer Douthit: the poem
MollytheGreat714: interesting
Spencer Douthit: wait
Spencer Douthit: both!
Spencer Douthit: haha
Spencer Douthit: no
Spencer Douthit: just the poem
MollytheGreat714: so are you the she or are you the one who cant understand
Spencer Douthit: i'm the she
Spencer Douthit: I actually wrote she to not make it glaringly obvious that it's me
MollytheGreat714: you should make it a he
MollytheGreat714: otherwise it seems less important
MollytheGreat714: girls cry over anything
MollytheGreat714: you know what i mean?
Spencer Douthit: yeah
Spencer Douthit: but I feel like the theme shows that it doesn't matter
MollytheGreat714: true
Spencer Douthit: girls will cry over an insult
Spencer Douthit: well
Spencer Douthit: i don't know where I'm going with this
MollytheGreat714: haha
Spencer Douthit: but
MollytheGreat714: well what are you crying about inthe poem? something seriosu or trivial?
Spencer Douthit: it's more about what crying is more than anything
MollytheGreat714: i see
Spencer Douthit: it's something that I couldn't explain or have anyone understand
8:00 PM
Spencer Douthit: maybe close
Spencer Douthit: but not really the same
Spencer Douthit: it was one night coming home from Dina's
Spencer Douthit: and I had just gone camping the night before and had a cold and lonely night
Spencer Douthit: and all I wanted was to enjoy being with dina
Spencer Douthit: and I didn't
Spencer Douthit: and I felt even ore alone
Spencer Douthit: *more
MollytheGreat714: You know I was thinking the other day that some people might not find my life hard, but I do and I'm the one living it so maybe bravery and not feeling sory for yourself have to be on a personal scale, not compared to other people. it was just an interesting thought. because to me, my life is hard.
MollytheGreat714: I wonder why you felt more a lone
MollytheGreat714: So maybe other people look at you and dont understand why youre crying is what i mean
MollytheGreat714: because theyre not living your life
Spencer Douthit: yeah
Spencer Douthit: theres a great deal to be said about people's understanding of other's events and feeling
Spencer Douthit: no person can completely convey his or her feeling to another person
MollytheGreat714: It's extremely frustrating
Spencer Douthit: just like I'l write something and someo else will get a totally different meanign out of it
Spencer Douthit: a totally different feeling
Spencer Douthit: because your only way to feel it yourself is to compare to a similar experience
MollytheGreat714: a good story, like a good song, means something different to everyone who reads it
Spencer Douthit: and you never have the same experience as the ahotur
MollytheGreat714: exactly
Spencer Douthit: *author
8:05 PM
MollytheGreat714: you know i have realized that
MollytheGreat714: damn i forgot what i was saying
MollytheGreat714: oh i remember
Spencer Douthit: theres a huge section of "the doors of perception" that talks about that
MollytheGreat714: when youre writing something, as much as you want it to turn out perfectly, for everything that needs to be said to be said, sometimes it cant work that way, or at least it shouldnt
MollytheGreat714: It was a pretty amazing thought
Spencer Douthit: I find myself never getting close to expressing waht I want to in my poetry
MollytheGreat714: really now?
MollytheGreat714: thats interesting
Spencer Douthit: obscured, which I love so dearly
Spencer Douthit: barely scratched the meaning Iw as tryng to get
Spencer Douthit: * was
Spencer Douthit: *I was
MollytheGreat714: i know
MollytheGreat714: but youre still miles ahead of everyone else so dont worry
MollytheGreat714: you should be in creative writing
Spencer Douthit: and NOT in AP calc or physics
8:10 PM
Spencer Douthit: I reaised this recently
Spencer Douthit: *realized
MollytheGreat714: are you going to drop?
Spencer Douthit: I try to be the most diverse person i can possably be I try to mix intellectual with social, with emotion, with logic, with passion
Spencer Douthit: with utilitarianism with creativity and art
MollytheGreat714: take you a while to spell that?
Spencer Douthit: no
Spencer Douthit: took me a while to find the opposite of utilitarian
Spencer Douthit: and i find myself looking at people like you and kate, and paul mariani, and pat
Spencer Douthit: and wish I had such profound thoughts, could make such beautiful art and could hold such a database of knowledge
Spencer Douthit: but I can't
Spencer Douthit: these people spend their lives dedicated to something
Spencer Douthit: and I don't
MollytheGreat714: Well what do you think im dedicated to? i have nothing like that
Spencer Douthit: In my attempt to be such a well rounded person, I am so round that I don't get far from the center and develop any single ability long enough to be special
8:15 PM
Spencer Douthit: you write very well, and have a vast literary vocabulary
Spencer Douthit: you have such interresting thoughts
Spencer Douthit: your story about the shoes of the dead man
Spencer Douthit: and his wives shoes
Spencer Douthit: that view
MollytheGreat714: you read that?
Spencer Douthit: how many others can convey that
Spencer Douthit: you told me about it
Spencer Douthit: and explained
Spencer Douthit: it
Spencer Douthit: I can not think like that
Spencer Douthit: the things that you pick out from the world and write in your book
Spencer Douthit: the unconcious puns and irony of our world
Spencer Douthit: you can see so clearly
MollytheGreat714: But the thing I have realized by being friends with someone who beats the shit out of everyone else at art, is that its no good to want someone elses talent
MollytheGreat714: youve got to find your own
Spencer Douthit: well, not so much that
Spencer Douthit: but develop what you love
Spencer Douthit: so i guess it's the same thing
Spencer Douthit: since your own talent would be something you love
MollytheGreat714: Its like that dumb thing that is if you didnt get paid to do anything, what would you do all day
MollytheGreat714: id read and write
MollytheGreat714: kate would draw
MollytheGreat714: pat would argue at people
MollytheGreat714: Im not sure what you would do
Spencer Douthit: b ut you can
Spencer Douthit: *but
MollytheGreat714: I can what?
Spencer Douthit: you cxould be an author
Spencer Douthit: kate an artist
Spencer Douthit: pat an activist
MollytheGreat714: so you can be something too
Spencer Douthit: we cdan all persue our passion to whatever ends we want
MollytheGreat714: Well whats yours?
Spencer Douthit: I really don't know
Spencer Douthit: that's what's been so confusing to me
MollytheGreat714: I don't think it's something you need to look for
Spencer Douthit: am I the person to tie everyone together?
MollytheGreat714: you mean the mayonaise?
8:20 PM
MollytheGreat714: yes you are the maoynaise
Spencer Douthit: i'm not a big mayfo an
MollytheGreat714: i know
Spencer Douthit: *mayo fan
MollytheGreat714: but its a metaphor
Spencer Douthit: yeah
MollytheGreat714: See unless you told me this, i'd never know that you werent perfectly happy with yourself
MollytheGreat714: the thing is
MollytheGreat714: Kate has no idea what career she wants
MollytheGreat714: I dont think I can write a book
MollytheGreat714: and I*
Spencer Douthit: I have a cousin that went to school for like 8 years
Spencer Douthit: he studied a lot of geology and earth sciences and things like that
Spencer Douthit: and when he finally got out of school
Spencer Douthit: he started doing woodowork
Spencer Douthit: *woodwork
Spencer Douthit: and he skis
Spencer Douthit: that's pretty much it
Spencer Douthit: no career
Spencer Douthit: just a house in the mountains
Spencer Douthit: some fine woodworking
Spencer Douthit: and skiing
MollytheGreat714: interesting
Spencer Douthit: that's what I cna really see myself doing
Spencer Douthit: I want to go to school for years and years
MollytheGreat714: my drivers ed teacher (no teasing me) went to school to be a surgeon and now owns a drivers ed business
MollytheGreat714: Because you like learning
MollytheGreat714: not to get a job
Spencer Douthit: the vast amounts to learn, especially in college can only be good
8:25 PM
Spencer Douthit: I want to be the person who designs the next lightbulb
Spencer Douthit: and helps the world
Spencer Douthit: so technical but so worldly
MollytheGreat714: You know my little confession is that I am majoring in Secondary English Education because I think it will come easily to me and its a steady surefire career. I'm afraid that if I majored in creative writing, I'd fail. And everyone would know it.
Spencer Douthit: a ben franklin type character
MollytheGreat714: I tsee you as the kind of person who will do that actually
MollytheGreat714: I see*
MollytheGreat714: I havnt really told anyone that. they just think i want to teach
MollytheGreat714: Me
MollytheGreat714: who hates children
MollytheGreat714: lol
Spencer Douthit: haha
Spencer Douthit: to be honest
Spencer Douthit: i love children
Spencer Douthit: I'm a slave to that human procreation instinct
MollytheGreat714: Well sure I want my own
MollytheGreat714: But I cant stand anyone elses
Spencer Douthit: hehe
MollytheGreat714: Its like you put up with your friends bad points because they're your friends and you love them
Spencer Douthit: I love it though to see Dina's cousins
MollytheGreat714: same with children
Spencer Douthit: that are really young
Spencer Douthit: and very smart for their ages
MollytheGreat714: if theyre yours, you can see past it, but if not, why should you?
MollytheGreat714: I know im surprised by the things they do
Spencer Douthit: It gives me so much hpe
Spencer Douthit: I want so badly for my kids to be smart and passionate
MollytheGreat714: Doesnt everyone?
Spencer Douthit: I'm a big believer in yinyang
Spencer Douthit: and balance
MollytheGreat714: That doesnt surprise me
Spencer Douthit: passion and reason
Spencer Douthit: things are not black and white
Spencer Douthit: but greay
Spencer Douthit: *grey
MollytheGreat714: I think you shouldnt worry about not having a specific passion or interest
8:30 PM
MollytheGreat714: I think you have passions
MollytheGreat714: like self improvement
MollytheGreat714: and wanting to change things
MollytheGreat714: and say what you mean
MollytheGreat714: and that someday they'll come together to make something important that'll do everything you want it to
MollytheGreat714: You are wholehearted in whatever you do
MollytheGreat714: Your a good person, and thats saying something
MollytheGreat714: lol
Spencer Douthit: thanky ou
MollytheGreat714: you're*
Spencer Douthit: *thank you
MollytheGreat714: no problem
Spencer Douthit: we have such good conversations
Spencer Douthit: some of te only ones that ever mean anything at all
MollytheGreat714: my friend ben said one time (when i was worried about my faults) that everyone has faults, but only the good people want to improve them
MollytheGreat714: I know
MollytheGreat714: Its nifty
Spencer Douthit: gatsby
MollytheGreat714: no, molly
MollytheGreat714: hahahaha
MollytheGreat714: sorry
MollytheGreat714: im still lauighing
Spencer Douthit: i'm thinking about the thing in gatsby
MollytheGreat714: that was horrible
MollytheGreat714: i know
Spencer Douthit: when he goes and talks to that boss
MollytheGreat714: who?
Spencer Douthit: the old boss that gatsby used to work for
MollytheGreat714: oh yeah
Spencer Douthit: and the bos found a notebook of his that had his faults in it that he was trying to impove
Spencer Douthit: and ben franklin's listed virtues
MollytheGreat714: see but in my opinion, listing your faults and anlyzing then so much does you other damage too
Spencer Douthit: analysis is for losers
MollytheGreat714: thats rich
MollytheGreat714: coming from you
Spencer Douthit: you gotta Do stuff
Spencer Douthit: haha
8:35 PM
MollytheGreat714: see but you are both a thinker and a doer
MollytheGreat714: you DO things but you Think about them first
MollytheGreat714: with the capitals
Spencer Douthit: but somethign has to be said for the things that I do without thinking first
Spencer Douthit: because those are usually most significant
MollytheGreat714: By the way, i really like what you said about trying so hard to be well rounded that you never get far from the center
Spencer Douthit: the persuit and followthrough of passion
MollytheGreat714: ive been thinking about that for a while
MollytheGreat714: I know what you mean
Spencer Douthit: i think of it like a graph
Spencer Douthit: and as you acumulate knowledge the area of your figure increases
Spencer Douthit: and certain directions and axis have qualities that you excell in
Spencer Douthit: I feel much more of a sphere
Spencer Douthit: my area isn't streatched towards any of those poles
MollytheGreat714: I have a gut feeling that i;m a triangle, and i dont know why
MollytheGreat714: Well if you dont know what you want to stretch towards, then why do you expect yourself to be stretching towards it?
8:40 PM
Spencer Douthit: I just want myself to expand in all diretions
Spencer Douthit: but it can only happen at such a rate
Spencer Douthit: and i feel like i'm tripping over myself
MollytheGreat714: You should be like a 90 year old chinese man
MollytheGreat714: with your understanding of human nature
MollytheGreat714: no one is supposed to understand themself as much as you do
Spencer Douthit: the Chinese are where it's at
Spencer Douthit: such history and philosophy and thought
Spencer Douthit: deep pride and honor and mastery and legacy
MollytheGreat714: well said
MollytheGreat714: So if you want direction in your life, how can you go on expanding equally
MollytheGreat714: ?
Spencer Douthit: I don't nessecarily want direction
Spencer Douthit: I don't really want a career in anything
Spencer Douthit: I really just plan on doing whatever life provides
Spencer Douthit: and making sure I pass on my knowledge to another generation
Spencer Douthit: if the opportunity presents itself, help humanity
MollytheGreat714: How can you think you dont have a talent? people dont normally think like this spencer, thats whats unique about you
Spencer Douthit: if not in a large impact way, then continue the small impact way with kindness
MollytheGreat714: Im sure you will too
8:45 PM
MollytheGreat714: My biggest goal career wise is to write something that people will love. not even a huge group of people necesarily. even if its just one person, if they feel the overwhelming awe and respect for me that i feel for my favorite authors, then ill be good.
Spencer Douthit: that's all anyone can ask for
MollytheGreat714: But i dont think ill do it
Spencer Douthit: i think you will
MollytheGreat714: sure, i can write, if someone tells me what to write about, but i suck at plot